Recently I haven’t been eating clean. I haven’t been training well. I haven’t been sleeping well and I have struggled to get out of bed, to enjoy any of the activities that normally make me smile or to even shave (currently sporting a poor excuse of a beard).
It hasn’t gone unnoticed at home, where I am more irritable, more grumpy and eating more than I should be. Even as I write this!
I’ve had a bout of sickness and a wee dose of the cold, but the truth is I recognise these symptoms. I have experienced them before. When I was morbidly obese.
Then, as now, I was suffering from depression. There, I said it.
If you read this blog or follow my tweets or Facebook updates, you will maybe question how I can dare to say that I am depressed. I have a wonderful partner, two smashing boys, an amazing mum and the opportunity to do so many things. I even ask myself what right I have to feel depressed. But, I know I am.
On Facebook and twitter and among friends I have been trying my best to pretend that I am ok, but I’ve probably been dropping hints. I’ve slept in for PT sessions, I’ve struggled to write and complete tasks and I have been (over) reacting to too many posts on obesity by fitness professionals who are anything but professional in their opinion of the obese (but that is another blog).
Ask me what is making me depressed and I might struggle to pinpoint it. Like most people I have regrets, fears and I have stuff going on in my life that I wish wasn’t. I’ve lost friends and seem to be losing my way. As I continue to eat, I think of the Biggest Loser contestants who regained their weight and my old fear, that I too will again become obese, resurfaces. I have began to doubt myself and as my doubts increase, my eating and my weight increases. Self medication and self sabotaging.
It is a vicious cycle and one I must turn around.
I am not wanting medication and I am not wanting sympathy. Writing this and speaking to my girlfriend has been cathartic, even if some may judge me. But it hasn’t rid me of the dark clouds that hang over me. I guess, like the Black Dog in the video below, I will never be free of them, but I can try and prevent them from clouding my judgement or from preventing me from realising my dreams.
I can find new activities to keep my try athlete life alive and I can clean out my life. I have made a clean break from some people who made me feel low and I need to focus on my goals and on the people who I value and who value me. I can stop seeing and talking about myself as fat.
More importantly, I will use the poly pill of physical activity to make me feel better about life and about myself. Exercise works and it worked for me when I was morbidly obese. Hopefully, it will work again and if needed, I will reach out to professionals.