Mental Health

Thrive: Feel Stress Free Review and Offer

I have never hidden that I have deep rooted insecurities and anxieties. My relationship with food; my constant seeking of recognition, attention and adoration and the very fact that I commit to writing many of my thoughts, fears and ambitions so openly are all manifestations of my, at times, fragile mind.

While I always try to be and look happy, my mask regularly slips and you might have seen me retreat into a corner, before slipping out of the door or learned that I had withdrawn, often last minute, from a race or event. It is not that I did want to stay or had no wish to participate; I simply felt that I did not belong. That I was the wrong person in the wrong place.

Much if this is down to how I feel about how I look and how I feel others feel about how I look. So many feelings.

But, then, my weight problems are also a product of my early life. While I received (and still receive) so much love from many, one person’s actions have scarred me for life.

Dad, I fucking hate you!

Yes, I have daddy issues. Not so much that he did not pay me enough attention, but how he visited his rage, his own insecurities and his frustration upon me. While he might still contest that it was for my own good, memories of huddling in a corner, whimpering and hyperventilating through fear are ingrained in my mind. Rather than remembering the love lavished on me by my mum, my life and behaviours have been shaped too much by the lack of love and the excess of violence from my father.

Yes, dad, you did succeed in making me the man I am today (yes, he actually said this!!).

Most of us have imperfections and we are all a product of nurture and nature. I do acknowledge my failings and I have been trying to correct, or more accurately, control some of my behaviours.

I have been taking supplements like Pharmaton and 5HTP to try and chemically alter my moods, help me sleep (there’s another sleep blog that any snorers will want/need to read on the way) and and help me, well….to function, but for the last month, I have also been using yet another tool (it is never one thing, as a friend often states).

Bloggers always seem to be raving about the latest and best new products and everything is always “awesome” “exciting’ and “revolutionary” but if you read my blogs, you will often see how I think some products and their claims are “worthless”, “useless” and often “misleading” (I have a few more reviews/exposes in the pipeline).

So, this is a genuine recommendation.

I was recently asked to review a mindfulness app (available on IOS and Android) called Thrive: Feel Stress Free and having done some due diligence (Thrive is used by several NHS Trusts, Mencap and the Priory), I agreed to test it.

Thrive: Feel Stress Free Review

Now, the first thing I will say is that I do not like the name. I do not want to be stress free. Stress, when managed correctly can be a great thing. Stress is pushing me to complete this blog, it drives me to complete tasks, such as building a bloody ikea unit, and when in danger, it can save your life.

However, stress also has led to me being off from work for the last five months; it has led to me hardly leaving the house, stuffing my face and has actually resulted in my sight deteriorating (I really do need to get back to the opticians). I am clearly not managing my stress correctly.

Enter Thrive: Feel Stress Free

Thrive is an app that aims to prevent, detect and also treat symptoms of depression and anxiety that you can download to your phone or access via your desktop. With a soothing Scottish accent (obviously) and an easy to navigate interface and helpful robot, it guides you through questionnaires, meditation and relaxation and breathing exercises on an ocean archipelago..

All of the treatments and techniques in Thrive are evidence-based, clinically proven and used in real life therapy to help manage common mental health conditions such as stress, anxiety and mild depression.

And for me, at least, they work.

After a quick questionnaire, on island one, about how you have felt and the circumstances that have contributed to your feelings, you are presented with alternative ways of interpreting and responding to the feelings. While not all are appropriate, there is usually at least one that is relevant and which makes you think about how you might respond more mindfully the next time you feel anxious or depressed. It also encourages you to undertake activities such as playing sports, meeting friends and joining clubs. Should you feel isolated or alone.

It will take time to see whether repeating this technique and following the recommendations will make me more mindful, but there are elements of Thrive that have had an immediate impact.

I have found the breathing, meditation and relaxation exercises on island two to be exactly as promised.

Calm Breathing is an essential and accepted technique to reduce anxious feelings that we can use anywhere, be it on the bus, at work or even in the bath. Whenever or wherever you are feeling anxious, performing a breathing exercises will help.

And I know what you are thinking: “wait, I know how to breathe” Yes, you most certainly do, but are you ever aware that your breathing quickens when your anxiety rises? The Thrive app has a series of breathing exercises clomid over the counter that equip you with the techniques to transport yourself to a sea of tranquility..

Soundscape is a guided meditation exercise thats uses sounds to help you switch your attention from the woes of the world; that encourages, empowers and instructs us in a simple but hypnotic way to forget our worries and to listen to the soothing music ocean effects…who knew that seagulls could induce a feeling of calmness?

In the Meditation area, you can also combine meditation with walking and the mindful body scan is a surprisingly effective way for you to connect with your own body. This might sound like some woo woo nonsense, but I do enjoy it and feel better for it.

Deep Muscle Relaxation therapy is a method of using tension and relaxation of muscles to help you relax. Thrive guides you through an exercise alternating between the two states that genuinely makes me feel calmer, more relaxed and more at peace.

By combining these three techniques, I have discovered that I can attain a level of calmness that that was previously missing and while I still have anxieties that I need to address, I am finding myself turning to Thrive, not just to review it, but to use it.

I have not found the final island as rewarding. On this island, you can create a zen garden; navigate crabs from bucket to bucket and play a word game. While these are designed to act as distractions, they simply frustrated me with their limitations and gameplay.

That being said, I have found Thrive to be an awesome app and I am delighted to be able to share a code that will allow you to access all the tools for the month of December.

Simply download Thrive: Feel Stress Free and input FSFDEC3107 for free use of the entire app to help you decide if you want to pay the price of a coffee for the monthly subscription. Alternatively, you can download the free version which gives you access to the breathing tools.

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December 6, 2017 0 comment

Health Mental Health Obesity

My Tips on How to Sleep More.

written by Stephen Morrison

According to Benjamin Franklin “there will be sleeping enough in the grave” but what if it a lack of sleep was another modern day behaviour that is sending us prematurely to our grave?

In his book, “Why We Sleep, The New Science of Sleep and Dreams”, Sleep Scientist Professor Matthew Walker states that:

No aspect of our biology is left unscathed by sleep deprivation.”

Sleep deprivation has been linked with cancer, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, Alzheimer’s disease, obesity and poor mental health while I am the first to admit that after a sleepless night that I am hangry for much of the following day. My increased appetite for unhealthy food can be linked to my lack of sleep and this is supported by science (1) and also my own experiences.

At my heaviest, I suffered from Intermittent Sleep Apnoea which resulted in about two hours of sleep a night and in me starting my day with a Mars chocolate bar to help me work, rest and play.

Through the use of a cpap machine I eventually improved the quality and quantity of my sleep, but looking and sounding like Darth Vadar did nothing for my love life and is possibly one of the reasons my wife became my ex-wife.

The CPAP changed my life…..while destroying my love life

Only when I lost considerable weight was I able to rid myself of the mask and now that I have regained some weight, I am aware (or my gf makes me aware) that my snoring has returned.
That has not stopped me from staying up late, while the rest of the house is sleeping, to watch Netflix, write blogs posts and generally enjoy the silence and some valuable me time!

In the mornings, I could barely get out of bed

The pressures of life and a 24 hour society can make sleep feel like a barrier to achieving all that we can be and people like Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher are remembered and revered for only sleeping five hours a night (President Trump sleeps for three to four hours each night, so that might be a great counter argument on its own).

However, we are now now being warned that sleep deprivation is a major risk factor for many conditions, including cancer (2) and over the past few months, I have been attempting to sleep more. However, sleeping more is similar to moving more and eating less. It is a great objective, but unfortunately, it is often easier to say than it is to do and I have had to take several steps and make a few changes to help me achieve this goal.

The first step was to look at why I stay up late. Blog writing, TV watching, social media updating and all too often, late night online shopping at Lululemon.

How To Sleep More

In order to get to bed earlier, I would have to look at the above. I realised that very few care about my Facebook ramblings at any given time, never mind at midnight; that I could write blogs in the early evening; that my favourite TV shows are on demand and could be watched at any time and that I had bought enough clothing recently to open up a stall in the local market. In fact, I have recently started giving stuff away to the local community. I needed sleep more.

So, I decided to retire to bed at the same the as everyone else. Not only has this increased my sleeping hours from an average of seven hours a night to nine hours a night, but it is nice going to bed as a family. The boys settle and my girlfriend and I have time to talk, read and cuddle (I am a sucker for cuddles). As a bonus, I am eating less, as my two hours watching TV, ranting on social media and writing blogs were accompanied by intermittent eating. Not on carrot and hummus sticks but on crisps and biscuits.

But going to bed earlier is only part of the plan as there is no guarantee of immediate sleep or even a deep sleep, so what else have I done?

Well, I have put away my smartphone. Research (3) suggests that sleep is delayed and also significantly impacted by too much exposure to the blue lights of our electronic gadgets. It reduces the production of melatonin which is our body’s cue to go to sleep. If I am not tired, I read a book for a wee bit, but I now find (my Garmin watch tracks my sleep) that by 10pm most nights, I am fast asleep.

I now retire to bed at the same time almost every evening. Going to bed at a regular time has been shown to have a positive effect on our sleeping pattern and quality of sleep while an erratic bedtime has the opposite effect (4). While not perfect, I am experiencing regular sleep cycles of light and deep sleep.

My Sleep Pattern Cycle

I have also stripped off and now sleep in my birthday suit. The body cools as we sleep and not only does this help us sleep more soundly, it promotes the production of human growth hormones that helps repair cells while it also helps in the battle against obesity (5). Teresa likes to be snug and needs a thick duvet, so it is sleeping in the buff for me (it is ok, there is no picture).

The final thing that I have been doing is supplementing again with 200 mg 5-HTP capsules kindly sent to me by Focus Supplements who sell a range of Nootropics. 5-Hydroxytryptophan which is an amino acid and precursor to serotonin, a chemical that can affect mood and social behavior, appetite and digestion, sleep, memory and sexual desire and function. 5-HTP helps raise serotonin levels in the brain (6). It was part of my daily regime back in 2011 when I lost 178 lbs in twelve months. I am hoping that it will help again.

If improved sleep could be bottled…..

In my Ariix post I wrote extensively about the need to look at the dosage of ingredients in supplements and check against clinical research. Some sellers of 5-HTP sell 50mg capsules when 200 mg is the stated dose in trials looking at Depression (7).

I have been taking one 200 mg capsule with my evening meal and my girlfriend has noted (with some envy and much to her annoyance) that I am falling to sleep very quickly. I have also noticed that I am eating less later in the evening and I am less grumpy (ok…..only marginally)

With all the above changes, I am sleeping more and sleeping more deeply. I am awakening each morning feeling refreshed and in no need to press the snooze button on my alarm. I am not missing my extra three hours of Netflixing and Facebooking and I am enjoying my extra time with my family.

Are you someone who prides themselves on burning the candle at both ends or do you also want to improve your sleep? Let me know if you you follow my example and how you get on.

P.S. if all else fails, maybe reading my blog will help you sleep.

Links to Research

This post was sponsored by Focus Supplements who gifted the 5-HTP and donated £20 to cancer charities.

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October 4, 2017 0 comment

Health Mental Health

My Steps to Better Mental Health with a little help from Charles Dickens

written by Stephen Morrison

Now, I am no Charles Dickens and I hope that you do not have great expectations for this blog, but for two months, I have been experiencing some hard times. High levels of stress, anxiety and depression (we will not get into the reasons) have not made this the best of times and it has affected every aspect of my life.

My work has suffered (I am not currently at work); my friendships have suffered (I am not leaving the house); my fitness has suffered (I am not doing anything to keep myself active); my eyesight has suffered (I have developed Central Serous Retinopathy) and, I am struggling to complete tasks (I am not doing anything). I worry that I am a poor excuse for a partner, step-father and son. I have been unable to see the forest for the trees and I want to escape from myself.

Things like paying bills, making and attending GP and Optician appointments and yes, writing blogs are a chore. I have withdrawn from events and I have withdrawn from life. Even when I am feeling good, I am a procrastinator and not the most gregarious of individuals , so imagine me with zero motivation and little focus.

The only thing I have felt able to do is eat. Eating has always been a comfort and a joy to me (quickly followed by sorrow) and I am definitely someone who will run for cake.

In 6 weeks, my weight has suffered and I have regained 12 lbs through lack of moving anything other than my jaws. 12 lbs that I fought so hard to lose in the previous 12 weeks.

However, one thing that I am is self aware. Yes, I know that I annoy many of you with my selfies, my endless shoe pictures and my occasional humblebragging, but I also know that my physical and mental health cannot continue to suffer. I also know that this is a path which I been on for far too long.

Steps to Better Mental Health

There are no quick solutions. No magic pills (well, that is not strictly true) and no guarantees, but there are several steps that I have been taking to help improve my physical and mental health during a period of immense stress.

Firstly, I have been moving more.

I have been going out for 20 minute walks ( I hope to run soon) to the local park, where the feeling of the wind and the sun on my face; the hearing of laughter of children and the barking of dogs; the sight of the trees and the smell of recently cut grass always helps to put a smile on my face. Even in the rain (I do live in Glasgow).

Thinking about new shoes!

I have also been getting wet at home by building up a sweat, using my collection of kettlebells and my Core Momentum Trainer.

As my levels of exertion and my heartrate increase, my levels of stress and anxiety dissipate (for a short time, at least). While swinging my kettlebell, I am lost in the moment and I am focusing on the movement. The events in my life that I am struggling with fall to the back of my mind and I can escape (for a short time, at least) from the thoughts that are dragging me down.

A heart that never hardens?

I am also talking more.

I have reached out to friends and I have sought counselling. I am being open and honest with my loved ones and hey, I am sharing with you, dear readers (or reader).

And I am looking at my diet.

Anyone who knows me well, knows about my aversion to vegetables, especially broccoli and brussel sprouts (they are the devil’s work, I tell you). It is my hope to move to a more plant based diet and I am eating more fruit, nuts, grains and vegetables, but I do know that I should be eating more.

I have bought some cook books; we have procured an extensive collection of spices and herbs and Teresa has made some fabulous soups. Soups that cunningly hide the source of their vegetable goodness. It is a slow road (for me, at least) to destination plant based diet.

However, I have also been popping some pills.

I do not want to go down the road of prescribed medication for my anxiety and depression, so I have been supplementing with Vitamin D (Glasgow, remember), Ashwagandha, Curcumin and Pharmaton Vitality capsules.

Now, the health properties of the first three are quite well researched and documented, but you may be unfamiliar with Pharmaton Vitality.

Earlier in the year, I was gifted a supply and although I was heavily suspicious of their claims that: “Pharmaton Vitality Capsules work by enhancing mental and physical performance” I discovered that without making any other significant changes to my life, I was more focused, more alert and getting more done. My weight loss increased (as I was more mindful about eating) and I felt more inclined to go for a cycle. The 28 days that I consumed them coincided with my 28 day cycle streak. Now, I know all about causation and correlation, so I will not be making any silly claims.

I also know all about the placebo effect

However, as I have reintroduced them (I used some Boots giftcards to buy the maximum 12 week supply), I have noticed that I am regaining my drive. It might just be the Ginsing, but I am working out again and I am writing again.

I am getting shit done.

Will these stop m from being a muddy, solitary, moping weed?

Hopefully, It is only a matter of time before I am able to go out again; go back to work again; and start living my life again. It might take longer to see properly again (4 to 6 months, seemingly), but the Pharmaton Vitality tablets are also packed full of Vitamins A, B and C so every little helps.

At £10 for a month’s supply, they are not cheap. Add in the cost of my Vitamin D, Curcumin and Ashwagandha supplements and you might be asking if I would be better getting these vitamins directly from food.

And you would be mostly right. All Scots are advised to supplement with Vitamin D due to our lack of sunlight (especially in winter) and you would need to consume copious amounts of Turmeric to absorb the recommended levels of Curcumin, but most vitamins and minerals can be sourced from food (the Ashwagandha is a plant in India). My eventual goal is to make the behavioural and dietary changes that will facilitate a hopefully long and healthy life, but I know that it will take time and I know that the causes of my stress and anxiety will not disappear quickly either.

All I can do is remain positive, be strong and keep moving while introducing more fruit and veg into my diet and trying to stay in contact with friends.

5 Steps to Better Mental Health

I stole this image from Dr Andrew Murray, who posted it just today. For better mental health, I really think that the above encapsulates, for many, the key requirements.

What are you doing to keep yourself mentally and physically well? And if you are struggling, do you know how or where to go for help? Forget your pride and seek help. Speak to someone and maybe, go for a walk among the trees.

Listed are a few of the organisations that provide invaluable support and who will be glad to hear from you:

Breathing Space 0800 83 85 87

Samaritans 116 123

SAMH 0141 530 1000

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August 2, 2017 0 comment

Health Mental Health Running

Beat Blue Monday and Run Free in Glasgow

written by Stephen Morrison

Monday was supposedly Blue Monday. The most depressing day of the year, based on this equation, devised in 2005:

It is a day when seemingly Christmas becomes a fleeting memory while the cost of Christmas is at the forefront of our minds and our New Year Resolutions to get fit start to fall by the wayside.

Forgetting, for a moment, that this nonsensical equation was devised on behalf of a holiday company flogging vacations in the sun and that people who suffer from depression might not appreciate the idea that depression is simply brought on by an empty wallet and fading Christmas cheer, let’s consider how we can get back on track with our fitness goals without it costing the earth….or anything, for that matter.

This is my third Get Fit For Free In Glasgow post and with me looking forward to making my long awaited (by me, at least) return to running on Wednesday with Run 4 It Giffnock, I thought I would focus on the free running….no, not Assassin’s Creed inspired parkour, but free of charge running available in Glasgow.

Running (and physical activity in general) is a great way to get fit and to make new friends and it can also help beat the blues, Monday or otherwise. It has helped me when I have been feeling low with low self-esteem, low energy and lack of confidence. Running with an organised group offers support, safety and a degree of accountability. In Glasgow, these groups vary in size, but they all love running and they all embrace new members.

Read on for my top free running groups in Glasgow

Run Free

Glasgow is blessed with an abundance of parks (Dear Green Place and all that) and in many of them, you will find a Saturday morning parkrun, which is the national and free timed 5K running organisation. While I will not go through them all, I do have to mention the wonderful event at Tollcross, where you’ll find a challenging course, great folk and even better cakes. Full details of parkrun events in Glasgow can be found HERE

However, there is also an abundance of other free running groups in the city that are suitable for beginners and seasoned runners, and there are several which I have found (or heard from reputable sources) to be especially supportive, fun and inclusive.

FB IMG 1457469897302 2 300x169

First up is my old favourite Great Run Local which runs a friendly and free 2k and 5K along the banks of the Clyde at the Broomielaw at the Squiggly Bridge (not the the Squinty Bridge) every Wednesday at 6.30pm. Great Run Local is a family affair as accompanied children can also take part. Times are measured using a free wrist tracker and if there was an award for the friendliest group of volunteers, then Great Run Local Glasgow would be sure to be amongst the finalists.

Then we have the running group that has risen from the ashes of the defunct Glasgow Running Network and which covers most of the north of the city, with weekly runs in Scotstoun, Maryhill, Garrowhill, Tollcross and the Gorbals. It is, of course, the aptly named Glasgow Phoenix Runners. Although, by all accounts, it is a very friendly group with varying abilities, it is requested that you are able to run a minimum distance.

Not one for new runners then, but they ARE definitely the intended audience at the Sweatshop Running Club Couch to 5K group in Anniesland. Not only is this free, but SRC also reward participation and with regular running events and promotions indoor, it is a great place for those out west to learn to run every Monday and Wednesday night.

For those in the southside, we have the aforementioned Run 4 It Giffnock. Here, you can participate in a lung busting interval sessions on a Monday after work that will improve your fitness and help you increase your speed, while there is now a very amiable and social (so social, there is often smoothies at Wholefoods afterwards) 5K run on a Wednesday night. Again, there is a mixed pace and all are welcome.

Run 4 It (also based in Bothwell St) and Sweatshop are both running retailers and in addition to delivering sessions, they also provide information evenings and gait analysis which you’ll know, if you’ve been following my Feet For Life posts, can be very useful in helping you pick a shoe that makes running hopefully more comfortable and less injury laden.

While we are mentioning retailers, we cannot forget the mighty Nike+ Run Club on Buchanan Street where you can enjoy a variety of running options from beginners to interval based sessions on Thursday nights. Nike regularly put on special events, like the wonderful Subway Run which much to my dismay didn’t involve a 5K run followed by 6 inch at Subway but instead a 10 mile run around all of Glasgow’s underground stations. Which, to be fair, remains as one of my running highlights.

Check out those smiles!

Still in the city and along Sauchiehall Street we have a running group that will put a smile on your face every Monday at lunch. Just remember to brush your teeth as it is with the Glasgow Dental Hospital & School Runners. It is a work based Jogscotland group, but is is open to anyone and might just be something to get your teeth into (sorry for the really bad pun).

There are Jogscotland running groups across Glasgow (and indeed, Scotland) and while not all of them are free, they are all led by qualified Jogscotland Jog Leaders and they are all very friendly and supportive. Check on JogScotland for a group near you.

And finally, we have a group that is smaller than most of the others, but which has a huge heart and which offers some fantastic longer Sunday Social runs (usually with food) for those training for marathons and a much shorter Tuesday night run in the city, again, often accompanied with food (and the occasional beer). The Red Bridge Runners meet every Tuesday at 6.30pm at you guessed it, the Red Bridge, otherwise known as the South Portland Street Suspension Bridge

Run Not So Free

While it isn’t exactly free, I do also have to give a special mention to the Glasgow Frontrunners where you’ll find a training session for everyone….and I mean everyone. Glasgow Frontrunners is the most inclusive and one of the largest running groups in the city and it has a range of running sessions from Couch to 5K to marathon training on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays at Glasgow Caledonian University. Sessions cost either £1 per visit or from as little as £18 for the year.

Whatever group you choose, you’ll undoubtedly find a friendly, fun and supportive group of runners who will not care about how far or fast you can run, but instead will only be happy that you want to run with them.

Forget Blue Monday and instead, Run Free and Run Happy

January 16, 2017 1 comment

Health Journey Mental Health Obesity Radio

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

written by Stephen Morrison

I worried that when I walked away from Great Run that opportunities to promote physical activity to large audiences would diminish. Great Run was one of my greatest experiences, but it was also my biggest disappointment. I should have moved on, by now, but my name still appears on their pages and I still regret the unfortunate (but ultimately unavoidable ) ending of our partnership.

I worried that as my waistband increased, my message would be perceived as hypocritical and the irony of a now obese again man warning of the dangers of obesity was not lost on me. I have championed the idea of being Fat and Fit, but how can I inspire others, when I have recently been unable to motivate myself and I feel that I’ve been stuck down in a hole.

I worried that my increasing knee pain would limit my ability to keep active and would prevent me from continuing my fun life as a try athlete and Jack of all trades. It seems that I have finally answered my question of How Many Miles?

I worried that giving up on friendships and things that I cherished would force me back into the shadows and enable Stephen the Recluse to re – emerge. I haven’t seen some friends in months and I am again using excuses to avoid meet-ups.

I worried that I was losing the respect of my boys and that I embarrassed them. Other dads were fitter (and younger) than me and I am again adding layers (in summer) to try and hide my waistline.

I really do worry too much and this week has reinvigorated me.

Maybe it was the lovely gift from Lululemon or The Boss reminding me that we are born to run or Ali Clarkson showing me his magic moves on a bike, but as I type this I am dancing in the dark (the light bulb just blew) and I know my glory days will return. I have spent too long in the badlands.

Yesterday, myself, Paula McGuire and Colin Thomas recorded some great material for CamGlen Radio and thanks to Paula, I am having fun again as a try athlete. We are not as polished as other broadcasters (well, I am not), but we are putting out some entertaining (I think) and educational (I bloody hope do) broadcasts with wonderful guest interviews. Colin was simply wonderful and will be joining us for at least the next month as we talk about running. It’s not quite racing in the street, but for an injured runner, it is reminding me why I love running.

Please tune in this and every Tuesday at CamGlen Radio . Nowhere else, in my hometown, will you hear about as many new activities, for you to try. Let us know if we have encouraged you to cycle and run or to try Zumba, bowls or yoga.

Today, the boys and I are starring in an advert together, as an active family for Vitality. We are also being featured in a Father’s Day story on active dads and my boys are again talking about taking up sports and planning days out with me. Those two hearts are what really inspires me to be a local hero.

And then, next week, I start my new role as the Communications Officer for the Civil Service Sports Council in Scotland and I discover what the Royal College of Physicians and Surgeons have in store for me, as I step into a new role promoting the #FeetforLife campaign.

Before and long before

June 3, 2016 2 comments

Health Journey Mental Health Obesity

Time to Come Clean

written by Stephen Morrison

Recently I haven’t been eating clean. I haven’t been training well. I haven’t been sleeping well and I have struggled to get out of bed, to enjoy any of the activities that normally make me smile or to even shave (currently sporting a poor excuse of a beard).

It hasn’t gone unnoticed at home, where I am more irritable, more grumpy and eating more than I should be. Even as I write this!

I’ve had a bout of sickness and a wee dose of the cold, but the truth is I recognise these symptoms. I have experienced them before. When I was morbidly obese.

Then, as now, I was suffering from depression. There, I said it.

If you read this blog or follow my tweets or Facebook updates, you will maybe question how I can dare to say that I am depressed. I have a wonderful partner, two smashing boys, an amazing mum and the opportunity to do so many things. I even ask myself what right I have to feel depressed. But, I know I am.

On Facebook and twitter and among friends I have been trying my best to pretend that I am ok, but I’ve probably been dropping hints. I’ve slept in for PT sessions, I’ve struggled to write and complete tasks and I have been (over) reacting to too many posts on obesity by fitness professionals who are anything but professional in their opinion of the obese (but that is another blog).

Ask me what is making me depressed and I might struggle to pinpoint it. Like most people I have regrets, fears and I have stuff going on in my life that I wish wasn’t. I’ve lost friends and seem to be losing my way. As I continue to eat, I think of the Biggest Loser contestants who regained their weight and my old fear, that I too will again become obese, resurfaces. I have began to doubt myself and as my doubts increase, my eating and my weight increases. Self medication and self sabotaging.

It is a vicious cycle and one I must turn around.

I am not wanting medication and I am not wanting sympathy. Writing this and speaking to my girlfriend has been cathartic, even if some may judge me. But it hasn’t rid me of the dark clouds that hang over me. I guess, like the Black Dog in the video below, I will never be free of them, but I can try and prevent them from clouding my judgement or from preventing me from realising my dreams.

I can find new activities to keep my try athlete life alive and I can clean out my life. I have made a clean break from some people who made me feel low and I need to focus on my goals and on the people who I value and who value me. I can stop seeing and talking about myself as fat.

More importantly, I will use the poly pill of physical activity to make me feel better about life and about myself. Exercise works and it worked for me when I was morbidly obese. Hopefully, it will work again and if needed, I will reach out to professionals.

January 29, 2015 7 comments

Health Journey Mental Health Obesity

All The Bad Things…

written by Stephen Morrison

Although I will no doubt, at some point this week, look back on my highlights of the year and in many ways it was an amazing year (any year that we and the ones we love experience good health, is, I suppose a good one), I firstly wanted to reflect on something else; on something maybe a little different from many of the other end of year blogs and on something that might just reveal (maybe a little too revealing) a few things about me, that might just resonate with a few of you and hopefully, if anyone recognises similar “things”, might make you take action now.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I’ve accumulated some extra baggage these past few weeks and I’m determined not to let a slip derail me. So it got me thinking.

What are the things I don’t miss? What are the things that the old Stephen hated and what are things that I never ever want to see, feel or experience again? What are the Bad Things about being not just obese, but morbidly obese?

This year, I intend on experiencing many new things but first let’s look at some of the old things I that I’ve thankfully put behind me. They’re not in any order other than when I think of them (this blog maybe isn’t as polished as most, as I just write what I’m thinking).

Candida- I’m nothing, if not honest and apologies to those that I’m possibly about to disgust, but I believe in warts and all. This is one weight related complaint that I’m happy to be rid of. The smell, the rash and the moisture that it caused under the folds of my skin weren’t the most attractive and were one of many things that made me constantly self aware.
Plantar Fasciitis- Every morning, makng those first few steps was agonising. I would struggle to make it to the toilet and on many occassion had to reach out to the wall for support.
Sitting Down to do the Toilet– Well it does lead on from the previous. The folds of my belly (ies) made the traditional means of urinating impossible and I had to sit down, taking extra care to direct my stream. This is maybe a little too honest, but I more than once had accidents caused by the fat around my mid section.
Intimacy– Not only was it physically difficult to make love, with a sore back, poor stamina and breathlessness, but my obesity severely affected my ability to attain and maintain an erection (hell, I’m even surprising myself with the openness of this revelation, but then again, it’s basic science). I was also never comfortable being naked. I thought that my form would disgust my wife, just as it disgusted myself. Even now, I’m still not 100% comfortable with how I look naked, but then, who does? Even cuddles were impractical as I could never hold someone close or hold them tight.
Self Loathing– Despite telling others I was fine, despite puting a smile on for the camera and despite being the first to self depricate, I hated what I had become. I often felt hopeless and useless. I hated myself for being unable to change; for being unable to restrict my eating and for being unable to control my cravings.
Cravings– One biscuit, sweet or chunk of chocolate was never and will never be enough for me. In the bad old days, I’d eat some junk only to go hunting for more….lots more! And I was like a bloodhound. I could locate the stashes of sweets that my wife felt compelled to hide from me. And once those stashes were exhausted I would then eat the stuff that initially I had ignored for tastier items. I was like a shark, frenzied by blood. I make no bones about using the animal references as my behaviour was that of a wild animal. Be it leptins or plain greed, I was never satisfied and once made myself sick so that I could eat more. Now, that’s what I call an eating disorder!
My Mum’s Tears– This one is maybe cheating, as she has only recently revealed this to me. But my mum used to cry herself to sleep worrying about my weight; worrying about how her son was likely to enter an early grave and how she would have to bury him. Just knowng, that I’ve taken just one weight (pardon the pun) off my mum’s shoulders is ammunition enough to keep me rightous.
My Own Tears– I’m not afraid to admit it. I cried. Maybe it was the increased estrogen in my moobs ( I’d like to say that I’m well shot of these too, but still got a bit to go), or the fact that I’m a sensitive guy, but I was never blind to my obesity and would regulary share a tear when I was…
Feeling that Everyone was Laughing at Me– Some argue that obesity is becoming socially acceptable…not in my world. Everytime I struggled to get on and off the bus ( I used to stand at the front, regardless of whether there were seats); everytime I entered a clothes shop and looked in desperation for size xxxxl jeans and shirts (soon all I wore was baggy, loose fitting sweat pants and jerseys…..not ironic, just really sad); everytime my belt snapped or trousers ripped with the pressure; everytime I had to explain my job role was a “Lean Practitioner” (like Six Sigma); everytime I took off my winter jacket, only to realise that I had soaked my shirt in perspiration: everytime kids said; “Mummy, look at that fat man” and everytime I ordered a Diet Coke and two Quarterpounders I worried that people were just about to burst out laughing. And sometimes my fears were warranted, Because, laugh they did.
Isolation– Ok, this one was partly self imposed but it was still mainly (I’m still quite shy) weight related. I didn’t go out. I didn’t attend work parties. I stopped playing badminton and football. I didn’t want to be seen in public and eventually I didn’t even attend my my parents in law’s Sunday dinner. I’m still not exactly a social butterfly, but I’m no longer housebound.
Fatism-People are Fattist. FACT. And let’s ne honest, can we blame them? How stupid must I have been not to recognise and act on my obesity? How greedy must I have been to get so large and how lazy must have I been? Everytime I applied for a job, only to see someone less talented get selected; everytime I made a valid point in a meeting or everytime I saw somone looking at me disdainfully I felt judged on how I looked rather than who I was. Even now, it pains me to see how fat people are portrayed and treated. But, at least now, I’m not victim to it.

I could go on and might some day revisit this list (with maybe some more light hearted “things”) but this has been quite emotionally draining and as cathartic as it’s been, it’s all a bit dark. Prior to this blog my earlier writing was lighter, funnier and easier to read. Let me know what you think and in 2013 I might try to make you smile a bit more.

January 2, 2013 8 comments