Recently I haven’t been eating clean. I haven’t been training well. I haven’t been sleeping well and I have struggled to get out of bed, to enjoy any of the activities that normally make me smile or to even shave (currently sporting a poor excuse of a beard).
It hasn’t gone unnoticed at home, where I am more irritable, more grumpy and eating more than I should be. Even as I write this!
I’ve had a bout of sickness and a wee dose of the cold, but the truth is I recognise these symptoms. I have experienced them before. When I was morbidly obese.
Then, as now, I was suffering from depression. There, I said it.
If you read this blog or follow my tweets or Facebook updates, you will maybe question how I can dare to say that I am depressed. I have a wonderful partner, two smashing boys, an amazing mum and the opportunity to do so many things. I even ask myself what right I have to feel depressed. But, I know I am.
On Facebook and twitter and among friends I have been trying my best to pretend that I am ok, but I’ve probably been dropping hints. I’ve slept in for PT sessions, I’ve struggled to write and complete tasks and I have been (over) reacting to too many posts on obesity by fitness professionals who are anything but professional in their opinion of the obese (but that is another blog).
Ask me what is making me depressed and I might struggle to pinpoint it. Like most people I have regrets, fears and I have stuff going on in my life that I wish wasn’t. I’ve lost friends and seem to be losing my way. As I continue to eat, I think of the Biggest Loser contestants who regained their weight and my old fear, that I too will again become obese, resurfaces. I have began to doubt myself and as my doubts increase, my eating and my weight increases. Self medication and self sabotaging.
It is a vicious cycle and one I must turn around.
I am not wanting medication and I am not wanting sympathy. Writing this and speaking to my girlfriend has been cathartic, even if some may judge me. But it hasn’t rid me of the dark clouds that hang over me. I guess, like the Black Dog in the video below, I will never be free of them, but I can try and prevent them from clouding my judgement or from preventing me from realising my dreams.
I can find new activities to keep my try athlete life alive and I can clean out my life. I have made a clean break from some people who made me feel low and I need to focus on my goals and on the people who I value and who value me. I can stop seeing and talking about myself as fat.
More importantly, I will use the poly pill of physical activity to make me feel better about life and about myself. Exercise works and it worked for me when I was morbidly obese. Hopefully, it will work again and if needed, I will reach out to professionals.
7 comments
I know your emotional pain. I have also suffered with on, off black dog. The worst happened five years ago and lasted almost two years. I felt hopeless and useless and I didn’t even find that exercise helped. In the end, anti depression pills helped me to get over a few obstacles. Many people never knew what was going on behind the scenes of my seemingly amazing life. An ex even commented that my blog seemed so upbeat so how could I be depressed? But no one would want to read about Fiona Indoors crying would they? When I am feeling down I try to talk to my partner about things and have plans to look forward to and just keep focusing on the present and the good about life. Things will ease (most likely as winter goes). Take care and never feel ashamed to say how low you are feeling. So many people suffer the black dog.
Thank you for sharing Fiona. It is true. We have active and exciting lives and think that people won’t understand that they aren’t perfect and that we have our troubles too. I’m so glad you got through it and it means a lot for you to be open about it here. Plans always help and so does talking. keeping the mind focused and keeping family and friends close. I know this will pass, but it’s been a while since the Black Dog visited me. I thought he had gone. He was just bidding his time.
I have no one to talk although I have a loving husband he just doesn’t get it re the black dog… He thinks we have a great life but things out of my control and absent loved ones make us go back to the comforts we relied upon before our new life as a slim person… I still see myself as an obese person
Tracey, I think we will always see the fat person in us and I read that depression is common in those who lose weight. And yes, our lives may now look great, especially on social media, but I know that I am still haunted by my past and sometimes held back by my fear about the future, but we are winners Tracey and we are not alone.
That helps so much to realise I’m not alone I so thought i was alone…
Empathy, yes. Should feel, no. You have every right to feel how you do and what you have is no indication of what happens and how we can some times feel. Look at Robin Williams for example. What you do have, is strength! It will get you through this an it is that amazing strength that got you to where you are today. It’s the strength that keeps others going on their own journies and it’s the strength that people admire about you.
Now, this may mean nothing from a virtual stranger who was lucky enough to be in your company once.. I’d rather have listened to you talk than that commonwealth swimmer! Your story , passion, strength, etc was far more deserving of our time!
You won’t feel it now but you will overcome this and by writing and reaching out, you’re already on your journey:) take care, my friend.
Thank you for such lovely and kind words. I was in a dark place and if honest, I am not sure if Icm completely out of it, but I am surrounded by people who love me and people that I love and that’s all we often need. It’s good to reconnect. Stay in touch daftmamma